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Monday, August 29, 2011

April 30-May8, 2011: It'll Get Better Soon.

For the next few days, I'd suspended my fears about my condition and waited for it to clear up on its own.  It was stress.  Nothing serious.  I had final papers due for my recreational classes.  Even though the classes themselves were recreational, the grades were not. Grades are serious, you know. 

I thought that this thing, this strange 'AM only' blindness would go away after I turned in my final papers.  There wouldn't be any reason to panic or be afraid.  Still, I started researching possible causes and planned to schedule an appointment at the eye doctor's anyway, just in case
Some of the possible causes were downright scary.  Fuch's Dystrophy, a condition that causes the cornea to thicken until you're completely blind.  Glaucoma, high eye pressure kills your optic nerve.  Macular degeneration, your retina tears off the back of your eye, or eats holes in itself, leaving you completely blind and without much hope. 
But, the majority of the conditions I just listed only happen to older people, or people who have a history of problems that I don't have, like high blood pressure.  I was doubtful that it was anything that serious.  I could be wrong, but it was highly unlikely.  If it cleared up after life cooled down, I could just cancel my appointment and be done with the whole thing.  No harm done.  Just stress.
But... it didn't get any better.  Nothing changed, not even after all the papers were turned in and graduation actually happened.  I woke up on Mother's day and my vision was worse than ever.  It wasn't clearing at all.

All the other days, it cleared up after I got up and started moving around.  But, it wasn't clearing up that day.  I love my mother to pieces, but I'll be honest.  That day, that Mother's Day, when she started rushing me to get ready for church, I snapped at her.  She incorrectly guessed that I was mad because I couldn't find my shoes.  Shoes. 
I think that just made me even more upset because that wasn't the real problem.  That was just one thing that I happened to rant about that morning.  I realized that I was being unfair by being unnecessarily hostile over the wrong things, so I actually tried to tell her what was wrong. 

I couldn't see in one eye.  I was bumping into things because I couldn't judge distance as well.  I was frustrated because it wasn't getting better.  I was angry that it seemed like my life was getting worse instead of becoming this fabulous world of adventure that I had envisioned it would be.  I was angry because I'd worked very hard to get through college, struggled, stressed and worried over money and grades for years.  Only to come out of the whole ordeal and go BLIND.  It wasn't fair!  I didn't want to be blind.  I didn't have health insurance, so whatever it was, I couldn't afford to get it fixed.  Sure, I got money for graduation, but all of the illnesses that sounded remotely like mine required tens of thousands of dollars to treat and screen for.  I was terrified and I felt like I'd been cheated out of my entire life.  My future was braille, if I could learn it.  But, everything I've used to define myself involved crafts, color, and beauty.  Now, my future was a formless world of unending WHITE.  No crafting, no coloring, no reading, no NOTHING.  My future was nothing.   

But, I was only able to tell her that I couldn't see out of my left eye.  She insisted that I hurry up and get ready for church.  Quick, forceful and to the point, like always.  I really needed her to listen, not be the resolute Iron Woman that I've admired my whole life... but it was a done deal.  My habitual morning slowness had cut me off from reaching her when I needed to.

I was heart broken. 

I went back into my room and got ready for church. 

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